Feeling uneasy back home

So I've been home for around 3 weeks now and I guess you could say I've gotten back into the swing of things. I'm back at work now and I'm glad to have a job that I could start right away and make the money I need this summer, but I feel really uneasy, for lack of a better word, working there. Its the same thing I was doing a year ago with the same people complaining about the same thing they were a year ago. Being there just makes me feel like that big wonderful adventure I had, never happened. I feel like I'm just right back to where I was and that my life hadn't moved forward at all.

Its not just my job though that is making me feel uneasy, everything about America is just not sitting right. Like don't get me wrong I've come to love and appreciate this country so much more then I did before and I really think that while there is not "best" country, America is certainly the most blessed country. But when I am driving around town I just don't like the fact that everything is so far away. Everything is too spread out, I want the compact-ness of Japan. Food is also bothering me. I can't find anything aside from sweets that I actually want to eat. At lunch at work or going out to eat I look over my options a million times and none of it looks appetizing at all. Eating the food is ok, but I've only eaten a few things that I thought were actually delicious since coming home.

Being at home too I often feel uneasy. I have TONS of movies, games, and tv shows to catch up on but I can't really find myself wanting to do any of them for long period of time. I've only played my 360 for maybe 6 hours total since being home. I really just want to watch tons of anime because I really enjoy hearing Japanese. I started playing this stupid PSP game with Julie called Idolmasters but I found myself hooked just because it was in Japanese and its fun to try and keep up with whats being said. But I dunno I just feel really off being at home in general.

Add in the fact that my social life in Tucson is pretty much just one person, as compared to the amazing friendship we all shared at Konan, and I feel the hands of depression/frustration trying to pull me down already.

So what do I do? That is the question I have been lamenting over for quite some time now. I am going to do everything in my power to get that MEXT scholarship and go to grad school in March 2011, I graduate from U of A December 2009, so I have 13 months that I need to do something. I guess I could search for regular office job and just live in Tucson for 13 months waiting but I might go crazy with that unless something really interesting happened in my life. There might be a chance to work teaching English in Japan from Jan 2010 to Dec 2010 but that might run into a problem with my interview for the MEXT scholarship that takes place at the Japanese embassy in LA. I might find a way around that, maybe I can go to some head office in Japan or something but even if I could do that, would I really want to do 3 years, almost 4 straight living in Japan? Another idea I had was to do a summer english program in China.

So I really don't know what to do, and the one thing that would help me to actually figure it all out, I can't seem to find; a wife. I'm back to the frustration of living in Sahuarita, AZ where I can't meet people my age. I went to institute and singles ward and no one seemed to really care that I was there. I mean a few people at church were like "oh hey your back, how was Japan" but that's about the extent of it. That's another thing, I'm having a hard time recapturing the enthusiasm for church that I had while in Japan. I really miss the small ward where everyone was friends with each other and really cared for each other and the just specialness of it being Japan and all.

In closing I dunno, life just feels off here. I miss Japan a lot right now, I really do.

Back home

Well its been about a week and a half being back home in America. The plane ride was not that bad actually and I was crying coming off the airplane because I was just so happy to see my family again. I had a huge culture shock seeing how big America really is and how beautiful of a place we all live in. I was also really surprised to see how everyone looked so different. I got so used to everyone being Japanese and me being the one guy who was different in a crowd. It was also really weird to see the way clerks and sales people talk to customers, we are all so laid back and friendly. Of course I also had the culture shock of seeing American prices, DVDs, games, transportation, all of that stuff is so cheap. In fact seeing everything so cheap has really made me want to not pirate stuff anymore. Like Japanese people pay crazy amounts for their entertainment stuff but pirate way less then we do. I feel that I ought to be more appreciate what America has and "be honest with my dealings with my fellow man".

So the first weekend back I spent with Cameron, Tyler, Heather and Rob. It was a lot of fun. Other then that I've spent time at home and I'm already feeling really restless. Like I can't stay inside all day just playing video games or watching anime. I love doing those things but I need to get out and do something productive with my time.

I went to institute on Wednesday night and it was a good lesson but no one introduced themselves to me and I just fell into that same rut that I always do of just sitting there being too shy to talk to strangers. I was pretty mad at myself for that because I did so much embarrassing and out of my comfort zone things in Japan that I should be able to just do anything. No excuses next time I guess.

Well other then I'm bored at home I don't have much more to say, kind of makes me miss the blogs from when I was in Japan where I would write for hours.

---Ben